In the midst of the tumultuous twists and turns of life, I’ve been very contemplative of my relationship with God. This, of course, is far too complex a subject to really flesh out in a blog post, but I can hit a couple key points.
First and foremost, I want to make it very clear that I am not a good person. I want to be. I really want to be. It seems harder and harder to do the more I age. The more I experience the harder it is to be good.
I understand all too well what Paul means when he talks about “doing that which he hates” and using the incognito mode doesn’t make my heart feel any less heavy.
My prayers are selfish too. I stopped sitting in anxiety over what I pray. I’d rather just pray honestly.
“God, I want a million dollars and a one night stand.”
I see no point in hiding the truth. I’m a sinner. I’m totally screwed up and it’s not just a struggle with mental health. I have hatred, jealousy, selfishness, and a plethora of other elements in me that contribute to my daily actions and inactions. The sooner we as a people can stop playing our silly games and admit our brokenness the sooner we can address it.
Besides, as that horrible song says: He’s a good father.
Jesus made a clear point about prayer and the goodness of God when He said: “What father if his son asked for a fish, would give him a snake?” In the same manner, what father wouldn’t say “no” if his son asked for the snake instead of a fish? My bio-dad wouldn’t give me poison if I asked for it, so I know that God definitely wouldn’t.
I’d rather just pray what’s really on my heart and let God say no. A lot of my human relationships could have benefited from a little more honesty, and maybe I’d still have a few of my old friends and loved ones if the truth had been more present. My connection to God is so much better when I’m getting real with Him. I think that’s the point of Job. Right or wrong, Job was honest. God humbled him by revealing Himself and then God showed him love.
Elijah begged for death and God gave him food and a wild experience, later followed by a ride in a flaming chariot.
Today I’m Job-ing it up and demanding justice in areas where I feel like I’ve been slighted or mistreated. I’m crying out for reconciliation, redemption, and restoration. I’m also praying for blessings, favor, mercy, sex, money, and a really nice car to drive around as I go looking for pictures to take and models to flirt with. He will filter out my crap and change me as I get closer to Him.
Today I remember that I am the child and He is the good father.